Don't want to lose myself....

Have you watch "Eat, Pray, Love"?

I did about 2 years ago. It was love at first sight. I watched it in a period of my life when i needed
advice on how to move on. How to cope and deal with certain situations i was going thru.

I watched again the other night. I felt the same way as 2 years ago. It helped me understand that I need
to guide my life in an specific direction. That as I got older I got better. That my life didn't depend any
more on what other people felt or what they wished but rather on what I wanted for it.

I tell people i'm getting a divorce and they are more worried about my next man than asking what happened
with the one i'm losing. Its amazing how Society works.

I feel like Julia Roberts in the movie.  I find myself repeatedly telling folks I don't need a man. Which I might
do in the future since companionship is not a bad thing, but I don't need one. It feels like I need to battle
people and get them to understand that life could be lived without dragging someone alone.

No one ever stops to think that some of us might not want someone else after a love story ends. Maybe we
just need to find our place in life, how do we fit into this world. What are we here to do or who we are here to serve.

I guess what I am trying to say is that for some of us our joy and happiness doesn't rely on an specific someone anymore. The fairy tale ride came along, we enjoy it while it lasted, got off and kept on walking....

Changes....

Do you remember your teen years? I do. 

The other day I sat down to think about my teen years and how I wanted, like most of you,  so badly to be a grown up. 
I was dying to grow up. Have my own car, a house, my family. I dreamed of the happily ever after that most movies show, the one most of us dream to have. My mom is a single mom of 4 and I grew up seeing her struggle with everyday stuff. It was hard for her to provide for us. It was hard to do it alone. 

I thought to myself: I don't wish to do it alone. When I grow up, I want to share the burden with someone else. I want my Happily ever After.

It turns out life had other plans. My wheels have come off and after 3 kids and at the age of 31 I've come to the conclusion that my happily ever after doesn't involve a husband. It requires God and the same determination my mother had to do what she believed was best. Best for us. 

So here I go world, three kids in hand, a pocket full of wishes and dreams, a bright smile for the not so shiny days....Here I come solitude to embrace you with the words Society sees as a disgrace "divorce"... Take me as I am or watch me move on...

This mom has finally taken her training wheels off...

Aide

when it starts beating slow

my day seems brighter, just at the thought of u

i shine

i smile

i feel alive

my sorrow's fade just with one stare

what one kiss accomplishes

how do i explain

like a little girl with no experience

butterfly in my stomach, i start feeling

like a girl who doesn't know 

what love means and the pain it brings

a girl who will risk it all, only if she could

just to be with you

i know its not right

i know its wrong 

but what do i tell my heart 

when it starts beating so slow

what do i do now

after those feelings have been found

how do i explain it to myself

now that your heart was found

Is it time?

A hate to start a post with the words "Well Ive decided to start writing again" but there are no other words I could use since that is exactly what I'm going to do. So here they are "well Ive decided to start writing again!"

Its been a while. And I guess until now I do understand what writing means to me, what a big part of my life it is. Its not something I grew into doing or simply enjoy. Is more of my life. A big part of my life.

Its been a while that Ive had the idea of writing a children's book. I just didn't have the courage to do it.
I'm undergoing a big change in my life and I think now its the time. I was watching an inspiring movie last
night, with one of my favorite actress, cant remember her name now, but it took for something very
dramatic to happen for her to get off her lazy couch, take charge of her life and do something she always wanted to do!

I think the same think is happening to me! Not the same life story thought but the part in which we
realize that there are things that we always wanted to do we just never get around to them, leave them for
another day and sadly that day never comes.

Well Ive decided the day is here, now, today! I promise my self to write something everyday. No matter
how tired, upset, out of whack my day seems. I'm going to write something daily. I will hold my self accountable to my word beginning today.

So stay tuned! If you weren't tune, get tune because the best of me its about to begin!

Aide...

If you only knew

 

I stare at the door everytime a car stops by

 thinking its you getting home. 

 I wish were home when I walk in this afternoon.

 

I miss you at night when I lay on your side of the bed and you are not there for me to hug...

I want to feel your warm body next to my cold feet.

I want to be able to lay on your chest and just lay there. 

To hear you snore when i wake up in the middle of the night. 

 

Boy this is harder than I thought or even imagine.

Part of me hates you (in a way you wouldnt even imagine or dream of)

but another part of me misses you like crazy. 

 

I want to hug you and push you away at the same time.  

My brain wishes to push you out but my heart keeps bringing you in...

Boy this is not easy. Not one little bit...

 

If you only knew how much I miss you

how much you mean to me

 if you only knew... 

Magic potion, anyone?

I think we could all stop for a moment and remember the last time we felt so depressed that we wanted to crawl into a whole and hide like a kid indefinetely?
If you dont remember, then think deeper, im sure you will find that moment eventually... :)

Ive been feeling like that lately.

I had a mayor life changing moment recently. Will keep it a secret for now but just be happy (or rather sad) that im undergoing such event.

Ive come to terms with the fact that as adults we dont get to choose everything that happens in our life. We choose to live a rather happy, fullfilled life but we cant choose the events that happen in our life.

Life sometimes just happens.
And trust me I know some folks are reading this and going " we could always choose, we just sometimes dont do it, we are the authors of our own story, etc".... Well sorry to brake it to ya... but No you dont always get to choose.
Shit just happens.. We do however have to POWER to make the best of every situation. That i know. And it is now what I mean. So lets leave that on hold for now.

Think back at that time in which you felt like something really weird and perphaps awful happened and you are wondering "how the heck did that happen!"

When that moment HIT YOU RIGHT IN THE FACE,  what did you do to get out of it?! How did you overcome something like that? Any magic potion or light to look at like MIB that will make you erase/forget what happened?

She is ready to be 9 but am I?

Am I the ONLY one out there that feels this way.....My baby girl (who is really my oldest) is turning 9 today.

And Boy do I have an explosion of feelings inside!
Not sure if I want to celebrate or get sad, be happy or mad, smile or cry...

I guess I knew this moment was bound to get here but I'm not ready.
And then again who is? Where you?

Nine is a big number. The age in which they start transforming themselves into young teenagers (golp...teenagers! Such a scary word!).
I knew the time had to come but again I am not ready.

She is my baby. She was just in diapers yesterday. I want to hold onto her for a little longer.
I want her innocence to stay with her for ever.
I want her hugs to be candid and warm, I want to hear the I love you's for a while longer.
The letters of love and "the mom I missed you".
The wanting to spent time with mom, the no make up time periods.

I dont know that I am ready to talk about boys, to have "the" talk, to start explaining the birds and the bees...
I want to hold on for a little longer but time is slowly taking her away...

I knew the time had to come but I am so not ready.
And she is. She is so eager to turn nine. She cant stop talking about it. She is now a big girl, who
could cross the street alone and watch programs for older kids.
Who makes believe she is in charge of the younger ones, the one that could handle bigger tasks.

I just pray for Guidance, for the words of wisdom to tell her, the knowledge to handle her, the love
to protect her, the Lord to take good care of her...

And here tonight as I'm typing and crying I wish one day I could help her be the woman my
mom helped me be...

Bibi, I love you, just dont grow up too fast.
Love,

Man over certain age....

A lot has been said about the tendencies of man over certain age, what happens when they start to feel old. The need to prove themselves, and others, they've still got it.

A desperate need to stop the aging process comes over them; the passing of the years, the inevitable fact that everything comes to an end, that they are getting "old".
In our hispanic communities this is a growing pattern. It's alarming to see men, who are self absorb, insecure, selffish and childish portraining this need to reinsure themselves by being with younger women.
They have develop, as the years pass, this candid fatherhood need. Its sick and pathetic. Most of them have money, power, weatlh. Things that could get anyone almost anything they want or desire.

In my experience most of these girls are from low income families. They have grown up lacking even the bacis necesities. And lets not confuse the topic here, which is not how these girls haved fooled the men to get what they want. We would leave that topic for another day.

I believe its more an issue about the underlining cause for these men to need to be around young girls. They are little girls who havent had the chance to experience true love, passion. Im not saying that some of these men dont end up loving them but they are experienced, they have "lived". They had their chance at love, missed it.
These young girls are being robed of the especial feeling of being with someone especial, of being the only one and not the other one. These men dont realized that they have daughters and that their little girl would grow up one day. They might end up being " that " girl they are now pursuing or loving.

The tender touch a real highschool boyfriend gives you, its not the same one as the perverted touch an older man gives you. The tenderness of a young ones love, the warm you feel when being hugged, the soft touch of their hands...cant be compare to the morbossity some of these men share. Ive seen how its a bit of a trophy to walk into a room with a young girl by your hand. The younger the better. Its their way of saying "well looky here, ive got me a fresh one", as if we were speaking of fish. Its young girls we are refering to!

Girls who would most likely be tarnish by the time it hits them that love is more important than money, that you will probably only get one chance at it (some are lucky to get two).
Most of these men only want them for one of 3 reasons:

1. Their "virginity" or like some call it Innocence.

2. Their beauty, not implying that older women are not beautiful, just saying that stupid men cant see it!

3. Emptyness, again not implying they young girls are stupid but admiting that a older woman are wiser therefore less likely to settle for less than what she is worth.

They are not a piece of something you hang by your arm, they are something you could easily get rid of when you get tired (althought most of them do). They are priceless, they are innocent stupid girls most likely never had a father figure to look up to or guide them.

The other night my husband was hugging our 3 year old really tight. He asked her to give daddy a kiss and to hug him. I was frozen just looking at both of them and couldnt help myself but ask him if he was ok. He is always lovable with them but this was different. His reply to me was " i'm going to give her ALL the love she could ever get. That way when she gets older she doesnt have to go look in a man what her father didnt give her...". Needless to say, i cried realizing this is what these young girls are looking for: what they most likely never had at home.

I know as a fact that what i think its not going to change the world, that mostly women would read this piece, that men who would read it wont dear to comment, that my toughts might even get lost in the vast world of the web. But i pray that if it happens to come across the monitor of a young girl who is thinking or doing an older folk to rethink her choice.

To know she has other options. That there its more to life, that she is smart enough to do better on her own, that her beauty (inner and outer) as cheesy as it might sound should be kept for the love of her life...because one day it will come knocking at her door (or window or rooftop) and she wants to be ready, untarnished waiting for it...

How far will parents go to protect their kids?

I've been doing this parent thing for quite a while now, 9 years to be exact, and I've always been a bit over protecting when it comes to my children.

I wash their hands, keep them warm, make sure vaccines are up to date, etc. if you ask my husband he will agree that I'm a bit "too much" since I'm always the first one to rush to the doctor at the slightest sound of a cough. I won't apologize since I think I'm doing what it's best for them (don't we all!).

But even i would agree that everything has its limits. My whole family moved to the Dominican Republic about a year ago. I've been exposed to a different culture that I had forgotten about. This week as I travel to Miami, Florida, I couldn't help but to stared at people I encounter. I lived in the US for over 12 years and I'M very familiar with the different cultures the are in US and very comfortable with them. To sum it all up, nothing surprises me anymore.

But since I have not been around for a while I felt like I was entering a new world, one that fascinated me...

I came across this family, no idea where there are from, just know they were Caucasian, mom, dad and child. The kid must had been 4 or 5 years old tops. He was out of the stroller and it was obvious that he wanted to walk around. He wasn't running around, he wasn't being curios or rebel, he just seen glad he was on his feet.

The mom was focused on picking up her son, she was obviously insisting on carrying him despite the fact that he was on a stand still. There was no eminent danger since we were at the mall, no entrance near by, no cars crossing, no weird looking folks around ( at least not weirder than the ones that are always there). But she was insisting on picking him up. And as she was doing that I could help but notice a tag hanging from the kids pants.

It was about the size of an index card and it said his name, parents name, address, phone number, email address, EVERYTHING.

I have to admit it was more than I had seen, to me a protecting mom that was just tooooooo much! I know first hand what it is to fear your child ever getting lost and don't even want to think of the idea of never seem them again. I've thought my older one our address and phone numbers, her full name, etc. but from there to tag them?

I can help but wonder how far will us parents go to keep them "safe"?

The fun of helping others

I was really thrown off today... I say this because not many people get to have the satisfaction of getting me out of the right state of mind!

I happen to be the type of person that tries to stay on point which at times could be hard because I tell it like it is (most of the time). I have the tendency of telling people certain things they dont like about themselves and tend to point out when they are...well wrong

I'm sure many of you have encounter people, family, co-workers who think differently. They have the perception that they only need to worry about their life, their work, their part of the load. They have this crazy thought that they are only responsible for the little bucket they were once assigned and that anything else is just that...

What they dont seem to comprehend is that being that type of person, human being, employee turns you into the first person that goes when its time for budget cuts, the last relative you want to approach for advise or for help, the last person anyone helps when YOU are the one in need of assistance.

If we humans understood that something as simple asbeing friendly, helpful, joyful and candid could take you a long wayyyyyyyy......perphaps we would make an effort to change, would we?

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does. ~William James



Dont we all use the bathroom with the same purpose?

It takes more than patience to be able to work with certain situations. 

I think it has of willingness than anything else. I´ve learned that in life you will encounter situations in which you must step OUT (really out) of your comfort zone. In which you must we stop thinking about ourselves and how selfish we could be (as humans and idiots) in a lot of situations. By now you are probably wondering “what in the world if she talking about, she must be high or something along those lines”…but hear me out…

I´ve not always worked inside an office, I do now. I´ve had worked all my working life with people. I have to admit that I am a bit of a people’s person. At one point in my life I had this crazy idea of being a Forensic Scientist but desisted after knowing that I could be enclosed with cadavers ALL day long…… I think I wouldn’t have gone crazy! SERIOUSLY (serious face on).

I need to see people, interact with them, feel that I am making a difference on someone else’s life, and impact on how their day might be going or even how their life its turning…I have these need for knowing that I am useful and helpful. It might be a bad thing if you think I am being selfish or need all the attention to myself but that it not it. It’s more than that.

I’ve also had the blessing of sharing work space with folks who don’t think the same as I do. They are complete jerks when it comes to handling others. They have no people skills what so ever and irritate me like you could not imagine. And I irritate them as well because of the way I am… straight up. I don’t like or accept or allow anyone to treat anyone else like a piece of junk, don’t like or tolerate people to think they are better or higher than anyone else.

Why all of this? Today at work this lady who we will call Apple got on my last nerve. She had been there for a really long time. She is an accountant and has worked there longer than I had (which really doesn’t affect me because I just don’t care, I still do my job). She happens to be in charge of paying the drivers whenever they do a deliver and have to bring back merchandise.

The driver calls me up because he knows I will fix the problem and she is a pain, to make sure he is going to get his money paid. I tell her why the driver it’s worried because she doesn’t pay them as she is supposed to and her answer is “well I’m not going to pay him now!”……… and some more …….

By now you are probably trying to figure out how my face turned! Trust me Not pretty.

What? Are you joking me? Have you lost it? You are not paying him? Why?

Because you said so! News flash it doesn’t work like that! He is doing his job; you do yours and pay him his money. He worked for it and you are nobody to tell him that he is not going to get paid because you said so….

People like that irritate me because they claim themselves professionals just because they have a Diploma getting dusty in their house and ring on their fingers. Education starts at an early age and most so called Professional don’t have a bit of it. I´ve found folks who barely know how to write their name and who behave and have a great deal of Education.

Don’t be so quick portraying yourself as bigger than other as if you don’t all use the bathroom for the same purpose…

Have you laughed today?

Aidé

Hello There

Hi, yes its me and Im still here...

I just being a little preocupied with God and this new found life of mine... Its a wonderful thing  I tell ya!

Ive rediscover myself and it will take more than just one post to explain it to you in full (dont worry I wont overwhelmed you now, will save it for later)....

Love,

Aide

Touched by an Angel

Last night I had a brief but heated argument with my husband. Come to think about it, it was a rather stupid argument. He was trying to explain his point of view and I felt threaten by it.

I guess I was not fully understanding him. I went on with his petition and today I have to admit that he was right (and not that I hate admitting it or that I´m one of those sickos whom most always be right) its more of a "yeah, he was right and I´m glad he did what he did!".

My husband is not always right you know. He is not always joyful or understanding. He has a peculiar way of expressing himself and of doing things. And often he is right on the money. He´s one of those young folks who have a older spirit in them. If spirits did came back afterlife, I would dare to say that his spirit lived another life and reincarnated in this young amazing man whom I married.


I don't think he particularly likes me writing about him (specially since this blog is public) but I have to let you all know that although we struggle with the everyday issues that life arises I would not change anything that we´ve been thru (well maybe a few things) or who he is (well maybe a little, lol!) and that I could not have chosen a better person to spend the rest of my life (whoa, that sounds like a really long time) with...




My husband and our then 2 year old.

Stay smiling my friends!

Aidé

Guilt

It´s something that not many human beings experience, at least not often enough, and if they do they quickly try to put it to the side and forget they ever felt that way.

We often dont think our desicions thru before acting upon them........... it would be a much better world if we did.

Stay pretty my friends!

Aidé

touched...

I have to begin by saying that I´ve always known there is a God and known that he loves me and takes good care of me. Now I must say that last year I attended a wonderful church called the Refuge, my friend Crystal invited me, and my life took a bit of a turn.

I felt him closer, I felt blessed, better things than before where coming my way and I had this joy that took over me.

Its been over a year since then and I stopped attending the Refuge because well I moved to another country. I was invited a few weeks ago, by a very special person, to a service that a church was given over at someones house. It was late, it was Monday, I was tired, it had rained, the service was at a place not only had I never been there but it was a marginal place (it was dark, solitary, so deep in that if you screamed no one will hear you, you know the type of places that you go once you have God within you because he gives you the courage you don't have without him).

Despite that all, I went.

Boy, am I glad I did! I was touched by him on that night. I considered myself a believer, a christian, a good hearted person before that night. But that night was different, allow me to explain.

Sometimes you accept God as your savior but he hasn't "touched" you. He is there but not there. You´ve accepted him in your life but your life is still not complete. Something big is still missing.  "He" is still missing. That Monday he was there, he lifted me, he touched me, he embrace me, he took over me, he overwhelmed me. It was magical. It brings tears to my eyes just to think about it.
Its a feeling that words along cant explain. I´m a different person since that Monday. I have to admit I had my doubts and repressed a little all the feelings that overwhelmed me. But you see God works in mysterious ways. Friday of the same week came along and I was invited to another service, this time it was held at the church. I attended. As to prove that he is calling me to serve him, he touched me again. I cried like I had not cried in a very long time. I felt this joy, this over flowing of his love over me. It was so powerful.

Don't let the next words offend anyone (and I know that my sister will laugh out loud with this) but I had never, I repeat never ever evaa, even consider the remote idea of being a pentecostal (the reason why I liked the Refuge is because they are modern Pentecostals) but I know imaging myself like my sister (who has been a pentecostal for years) with skirts, and no make up, I know what you are thinking being pentecostal doesn't demand any of those things but you must understand that when you view something from the outside its not the same as when you enjoy it from within.

Allow me to close this very long post with saying, that now I could loudly and proudly say: the Lord has touched me, I´m not ashamed of saying it, yelling it, expressing it and do not care what the world thinks, what anyone thinks, don't care for what "I'm leaving behind" because what he had brought me its more valuable than anything else the world could offer...

I want to think this is what Moses felt when he was first called...and if it is Thank you Jesus for choosing me...


Aidé

a lost friendship... :(

The other day I wrote about Louise, my friend who was physically hurt by her husband. I´m sad to let you all know that Louise went back with her husband.  I know that its her decision and I have no right to judge her or tell her what to do but I´m sadden to know how things turned out.

Our friendship was ruined after her beating. We no longer speak like we used to. I ran into her the other day and felt to emotionally far from this person whom I´ve known like a sister, I got some courage last night and spoke to her, she claims things are ok and that her going back with him has nothing to do with us not talking all of a sudden. That ¨she´s being busy...¨


Even if we dont stay as close as we were at least I know deep in my heart that I told her and did what was right, if there is one thing I refuse to stay quiet to is a woman being abuse by a man...

Stay pretty my friends!

Aidé

When someone dies...

Sometimes I fail to see that life is precious, that it passes by so quickly, that we pursue so many riches that most of the time we forget the real stuff that makes us happy...

This week someone that I knew since I was a little girl died. She was always a happy woman, joyful, truthful, wise...She past away at an advance age and reminded me so much of my grandmother who passed back in 1993.

Seeing the pain that her children (now older women) are in, how lost they look, how big that hole that a loved one leaves just makes want to cry...I know we all say that the death of a closed one in the family its a real eye opener but this time was different, it was more than a simple eye opener, it was  so powerfull I cant simply describe it with words.

She was very loved by all of us and she will be remembered with love...Rest in Peace Mita...

Aidé

We don´t all take a shower daily... or do we?

As I came home today I suddently felt this need to shower. I had been out on the dirt all day at work, it was later than usual and I was exausted.

I hop in the shower and started thinking over the excuses we sometimes give each other or our friends when we realized how tired we are we decided to ¨skip¨ the usual bath time routine... 

I remembered ealier today a co-worker was telling me how she got home tired and ¨since I took a shower that morning¨ decided to skip the shower that night, and how I told a story once of how I went to this Province named Contanza and it was really cold with no heater and i skip the shower for 2 days ¨because it was too cold¨, It just came all together...Why do we make up excuses when we simply decided NOT to shower?

Aidé

Have you shared a smile today?

the things a woman goes thru...

I´ve been debating since last Sunday if I should write this post or not. My inner self is screaming at me ¨go ahead this needs to get out there¨ but at the same time I need to respect the privacy of my dear friend who in this story will be called Louise.

I´ve known Louise for so many years now that I´ve lost count. She is one the most sweet people I know. She is never mean, rude, inpolite, nasty or anything else that I could turn into at times when folks get on my nerves. Louise married her first love, the fairytale guy that we all dream about. Well fast forward and the years went by, they had children and life was not all she planned but what the heck they had each other she tought and to her married was a thing for ever...until death do us apart type of thing.

We will call Louise husband Charlie. Charlie decided that he no longer wanted to be with Louise, he needed his freedom, he was tired of it all. The same day Charlie dumped Louise she went out with a couple of friends, she was enjoying herself.

Charlie showep up and decided to beat her up!...for the heck of it... because he felt like it!

I´m sure that we all know someone who is being physically or verbally or emotionally abuse by their partner...we tend to stand around and not say anything because of fear, we might not to get involved in someone elses life or we might even think that the gal will eventually end up going back to that relationship... which happens a lot.

But let me tell you, there is nothing like seem your friend get hurt because some sorry ass guy decided that she deserved a beattin...

Charlie was in jail, he is free now (bail was paid), Louise is hurt, she claims she will never go back...the children are safe, life keeps going...and here i am praying that Louise opens her eyes before she becomes another statistic...

So go ahead and speak up, go ahead and get your nose in someone elses life because if you do stay quiet your friend might soon died...

Aidé

Have you shared a smile today?

moody me

Lately I havent felt like myself at all. I´ve been moody, crancky, thinking too much about past decisions and I even shed a tear today...

It´s funny how sometimes you realized that you have been unadvisily swamp by feelings that you werent awared you had. Feelings of emptiness, of impotence, of needing to do something definite, drastic.

I had that feeling today. Shared it with someone who I never in a million years would think will understand me. And came to realized that if anyone understood me was her.

She has been hiding in the silence, quiet, sumisive for so many years. She has been there thru thick and thin, on the high and on the lows, she stands straight well all else passes...